Meet Merry Pachinko! — Banditi Bliss

I chose the name Merry in honor of all the mothers before me, Mary Jane, Mary Jo, and Marianne. I knew it couldn't be Mary, there was nothing about Mary..for a long time I thought it was going to be Mari, pronounced with a long A. But that felt too bushwick.

I am shaking a tambourine in my friends music room when it dawns on me,

"Oh, Merry is supposed to be a singerrrrrrrrr!"

and that is how the grand pivot of 2021 occurred.

Merry Pachinko thought she couldn't handle a curve ball but she can and she did and it hurt a lot but Tarot has taught me pain is where the good medicine begins.

Sorry in advance for any third person referencing. To clarify, I am Kennedy and Banditi and also I am Merry Pachinko. Please read The Birth of Banditi for a little background to this naming madness.

I had no doubt I was heading toward pregnancy. I had doubt about how to figure it all out, but I never felt more magnetized to a purpose than this moment. Perhaps, biologic perhaps just my path. My partner was riddled with doubt, which he shared with me but he didn't entirely seem to hate the trajectory either.

I had spent all of 2020 preparing spiritually and emotionally and physically to be a mother. I had a long term partner whom I adored and wanted to start a family with. The pandemic struck me like an ace of cups, I knew what I wanted and while Banditi was working hard at becoming a Tarot Reader and Artist Residency host, following dreams and boldly reimagining coin, Merry was herself gestating in the aether.

We listened to home birth podcasts, talked about baby names, we watched documentaries and even tried. I had done some intense ritual for womb healing, and self forgiveness over an abortion that I had never properly loved myself through. It involved a meditative conversation with that little spirit and a huge amethyst crystal and being naked in the woods. I asked my spirit babies to visit me in my dreams, which they did. We made collages for each of them.

The preparation was magical for me, even with so many red flags, and times I ignored my intuition telling me something wasn't right with my partner. I had chosen to trust him and I held that over everything. I even let my trust of self fall to the sea.

He was quiet, so I could just imagine him the way I wanted to without having to face the ways in which he was not able to love me, let alone give me the respect I craved to feel secure. I was disregarding my own self respect and needs by being with him. Oh so complicated, but I'm sure you know something about human relationships.

I was just walking one afternoon and started laughing at the simplicity! My new magic name,

"It's Merry!"

When you’re tickled like that, ya know you've hit the mark.

I’ve adored the Merry Pranksters, and honored their spirit, ever since I read Electric Koolaid Acid Test at 15. I knew the name Mary was too uptight for the type of mom I want to be, but Merry was the perfect delight to honor the mothers before and embody the playful mama I was to become.

As to how I obtained Pachinko, it came to me in a dream. It felt goddamn perfect because of how ridiculously silly it sounded. It resembled the word prankster! The first few ‘name-reveals’ to the witches, and best friends, and my partner, were riddled with giggles. I couldn't say my new name without laughing! And that was exactly honey butter.

“Wide open. Wider than the grand canyon. I was mist.”

Dramatic, like the 10 of swords, we severed connection.

"I am dead."

And that’s how I felt.

It's okay if you’ve felt this way. When we’re separated from our attachment figures our brains literally think we’re going to die. It’s science.

Because of heartbreak. I was dead. And he was nowhere.

There is no pain like the pain of betrayal.

In the spring of 2021, I felt like a teenager again at the level of suffering I was encountering. The man I was so smitten with, wanted to spend the rest of my life with, had annihilated my heart. My best friend had to tell me things. I had to confirm things with other people about his cheating. It tore me open. Wide open. Wider than the grand canyon. I was mist.

I was nourished and sustained by the women in my life. It was them that swam down to collect the fish food I had become. They wrapped me up in a love full of understanding and warmth. I let them love me. I was overwhelmed by their love.

I started singing. I would scream and sing and run around my house. I wrote a few songs. I partied a lot and started reading cards in real life. I was becoming a woman. Birthing a wild thing. A moon shadow. A woman scorned.

A woman fully her own.

I am allowing Merry Pachinko to wreak havoc on the sweetness. To bring chaos to the front. To scream it into a microphone and laugh witches’ notes into the sky. I love Merry for liberating heartbreak through music.

My therapist said about breakups:

"The first three months are the hardest."

I held onto that like that damn door Kate and Leo were on after the Titanic went down.

I’d say to myself:

"I can get through these three months. I can DO that!"

In my mind, though, I somehow thought it’d be smooth sailing at four months. lol.

At four months I wasn't okay… but I was okay?

I wrapped support around myself when I started having terrifying thoughts about not being alive anymore. My herbalist led me to rose. My therapist checked on me consistently. My coven held me as I sobbed.

I felt sad for my new magic name, but I was also really patient with her.

The first song I wrote has a line:

"33 and she will be."

When I turned 33 in September, I made a pilgrimage to Pachinko World. Yes, I googled the word when it first came to me. I found out pachinko is basically a Japanese slot machine and the only game hall with pachinko machines in the US is in Wilmington NC! Just a hop and a skip!

It felt like a divine message.

My friend and I won big, as far as silver balls goes. lol. Got a shot glass that said Playgirl on it in a 1980's Miami Vice font. Teal and pink.

I wasn't gifted purpose or struck by inspiration in the casino, but that’s not what this name is about. This name is playful and tricky, I’m learning. She thinks it’s funny that I ended up at a weird little gambling hall at the beach in search of meaning.

She’s still laughing about it!

She has a sense of humor, and I knew all along that she did.

I thought I’d use it to get through the intensity of becoming a mother. Turns out tragicomic humor is a survival mechanism I am very familiar with and, turns out, I called in the perfect magic name to get me through this pivotal year.

Unlike Banditi, who came in swinging, Merry Pachinko has entered my life through windows and microphones. Through doors that say ‘exit only’ and glittering gambling hall doors. Doors. Wavering red doors with snake eye dice on them. School bus doors that breathe hippies back to life. Spaceship doors that head to mars.

She is going to sing about all those doors and much mores.